Ep 47: You're Not Broken: These Are Your Growing Pains
That restlessness, that emptiness you can't quite name, it's not a sign that something went wrong. It's a sign that something is ready to grow.
In this episode
What actually happened inside the first round of RESET: the real moments, not the highlight reel
Why your nervous system resists rest even when you've created the space for it (and the 20-minute practice that starts to change that)
How following someone else's script creates the exact emptiness you're trying to escape
Why I lead this container from inside the experience, not above it, and why that makes all the difference
What lineage healing actually looks like in the small, ordinary moments of your day
Chapters
(00:00) Introduction to Reset: A Journey of Reconnection
(02:05) RESET Is a Guide Back to Yourself
(03:09) Understanding Discontent: The Emotional Compass
(06:35) Nervous System Regulation: Creating Spaciousness
(08:22) The Power of Small Changes: Building Towards Transformation
(10:51) Transparency in Growth: Learning Together
(17:03) Invitation to Join Reset: Embracing Freedom and Healing
Links mentioned
→ Learn more about RESET (a 6-week group or a 2-day retreat)
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Asha (00:00.638)
Hey, y'all, it's Asha back with another episode of Because I've Healed. And today I'm recording this on the heels of closing out the first round of RESET And I decided that I would get on here and tell you a little bit about it while it's fresh in my mind and to really tap into the experience of what has happened in the container. So RESET, as you have hopefully heard by now, is a six week
container for high achieving, busy, burned out black women and women of color who are in the middle of a transition and who have done everything right, but they still feel like something is missing. And you're not quite sure what to do, where to go, who to listen to, because on one hand you have your logical brain telling you all the things that you should and shouldn't do. And on the other hand, you have this emotional feeling that you probably can't
quite name that might feel like some emptiness, dissatisfaction, or some sort of discontent that is almost scary to acknowledge because you've done everything right. You've gotten the degree, you've gotten the job, you have the family, you have the accolades and the awards, but there's something that is missing under the surface that can't quite be named.
The reason why I know this is because this is also my story. And when I created RESET, I really thought about what I did to transform my life. And when my business coaches and friends would ask me, I don't know, I just can't settle for being unhappy, for being disconnected, for being discontent and...
people tell me that I'm brave and courageous for leaving the United States, but I don't think that that's really it at all. I think that I was very clear on what wasn't working and I was willing to explore what was. But still, there was some unknown strategy behind it. And so I thought back about the steps that I had taken, the things that I had learned, the processes that I had undergone and created RESET, which is a reflection,
Asha (02:22.388)
and a guide for the process that I went through. But here's the thing, it's not a, you must do one, two, three, four, and this is going to get you X result. It is a pathway to learn how to reconnect to yourself so that you become your own guide. So my goal is not to create additional people who look like me and do the same thing that I'm doing. That's not it. We all have different paths. We all have different goals.
and we're all entitled to remain on our own journey. But my goal is to help you reconnect to yourself so that you know what your journey is and what your steps are outside of or inside of or next to or unrelated to all the rules and socialization that we have in the world. So the first step in RESET is to really connect with your feelings.
And in order to do that, you have to become aware and present of what's happening in your body. So yesterday when we closed out one of the transformations that I asked at the beginning of class, or let me, how should I say it? I asked what felt different the last week versus the first week. And one person said, when I came in, I was really disconnected. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know
what was going on. I didn't know where to go. I knew that I felt some kind of discontent, but I really wasn't listening to my body or paying attention to what was going on inside. And she said at the end that she was using her body as her compass to even feel into what she wanted to do for the day. She came in not tuned in, She came in not tuned in and she left
listening. She said she was so busy rushing around and outwardly focused, but now she's actually taking the time to really hear what is being shared with her in these times while she's by herself. And then that gives her the greatest insights into what is next. That is the whole name of the game. That's the whole thing. Because if you're not connected,
Asha (04:46.638)
to what's going on within you, that means you're probably connected to all of these things going on outside of you. And then you're just following somebody else's script. And at first it may not feel too bad, but that's the piece that actually leaves the discontent because you're following the rules, but the rules are empty and hollow because they're not touching on what your internal desires are. Another thing that happened in the program that I am really proud of is that we got to witness each other and there was no shame.
There were similarities, commonalities. There was the identified gap between what I want to do and what I feel like I can do or what I want to do and the guilt that I carry for wanting to do something else. And we were able to witness that and also to soften it and to learn how to work with ourselves, to give ourselves the space and the nervous system regulation to be able to take small pieces at a time.
What do I mean by the nervous system regulation? First, it starts with connecting. What is it that I want? All of us, I think in the container said we wanted more spaciousness. And also let me just say this too. When I'm talking to you, I'm saying we, because even though I'm leading the program, I am also doing this with you because this isn't a one time RESET. This is a continuous practice of tuning in, listening, making adjustments, experimenting,
tuning back in, listening, making adjustments and experimenting. So as much as I have designed the container and I have used it in my life to get from the United States to Portugal to leave law to become a healer, it is still a practice that I engage in on a regular basis. And as I'm leading each week, I am doing everything with you. So when I'm saying that we tuned into our bodies, we identified the gaps, we regulated our nervous systems,
I really mean we, I'm on this train with you, even though I am guiding you through the process. So all of us said in the program that we wanted some spaciousness and it looked different for each of us about how we would create that spaciousness. Some of us have adult children, some of us have young children, some of us have no children, some of us are entrepreneurs, some of us are working for other people, some of us are making a career move.
Asha (07:13.602)
So we're coming from all different backgrounds, but the spaciousness was a constant theme and how that looked for each of us was a little bit different. And so I asked the question, if you want spaciousness, which is the feeling, what are the things that create the feeling of spaciousness that you're already doing? And what are the things that take away from that feeling of spaciousness? And from there, we were able to identify
little ways at first to be able to make that change to create more spaciousness to allow more spaciousness in. And here's the nervous system regulation part.
one of us, really more than one of us, we all.
And here's the nervous system regulation part. One of the participants wanted to take an afternoon to herself and I try to take the last three days of the month. like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday of the last week of the month off so that I can have time to myself. Neither one of us were actually able to do what we had said because of the guilt that
creeps in. we might start and then let's say the mom, for example, who want a little more time in the afternoons, she might create it, block off her calendar at work. Child was still at school. She's at home by herself because she was working remotely. But then, maybe I should do the dishes. Maybe I should start dinner. Maybe I should do this. Maybe I should do that instead of just focusing on her self. And that's a real thing. That feeling that comes up. And the reason why is because the nervous system says it's not safe to not do.
Asha (08:58.838)
It's not safe to focus on myself. It's not safe to not be busy all of the time. And so the encouragement was to set a timer for 20 minutes and just do something purely for yourself. If you just want to sit there, if you want to go to the park and sit, if you want to watch your favorite show on Netflix, whatever it is, give yourself 20 minutes and remind yourself in that 20 minutes that it's safe for you to do this.
It's okay for you to do this, that this is care for you that will help your family and everyone else that is around you. And 20 minutes is doable. And then later it'll bump up to half an hour. Then it'll move up to an hour. Then it'll move up to half a day. And then maybe it'll even get to a full day because we're giving her nervous system time to catch up. So this is not about going from zero to 60. This is about
ramping up or creating small moments of time in the day to be able to connect to yourself and to choose yourself. Me, for example, with the three days that I want off at the end of the month, which is really more than that because it's Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So five days that I want off at the end of the month so I can rest and recharge. It's on my calendar. And I don't think I've been able to do it at all this year, even though it's on my calendar, because there's
a rental that comes up at the studio or there's something that happens or I don't have support yet for someone to handle questions when I'm out of town or when I'm unreachable. So even if I'm not on the teaching calendar or showing up at the studio, I'm still on in one way or another. And then when I'm on, I'm just on. That means I'm not off. So even though I have it blocked on my calendar,
What I allow myself to do is to not step in and try and solve every problem that comes up, to empower the instructors to be able to do it. Maybe I can't get Friday and Saturday and Sunday off, but Thursday, if there isn't much going on, that's the day that I can stay home. So it's again, it's not about doing the big thing right away. It's about giving ourselves the space to be able to do the little things over time so that we can.
Asha (11:22.19)
catch up. So this was really helpful to do in the container because we were able to witness ourselves. And even though it isn't this big transformation, these little things are what lead to the big transformation. Because let me tell you, having left the United States and moved to Portugal, I'm still me. I'm still experiencing some of the same things that I experienced in the US because location doesn't change
your process, location doesn't change how you process stress, how you think about life. It comes in the small moments. It comes with recognizing that you can let your guard down. It comes with realizing that you can breathe a little more deeply. It comes with realizing that you're in a different place and you don't need to rush and hurry and get everywhere at the speed of light. It's those moments that you take back almost as an act of rebellion.
that begin to change how you feel, how you show up, how you are. And then those moments put all together, begin to really transform your life. But it starts small. It starts with a perspective change, starts with a thought process change. It starts with protecting your peace. It starts with choosing you in the small accessible ways that you can do it every day until you can build up the situation, the circumstances to be able to make the big change.
that feels transformative, that feels like it gets rewarded by the world. So I just want to let you know that I'm not promising you at the end of RESET that you're going to move to another country. You might. But what I am promising you is that you will understand exactly what your body needs so that you can feel the emotions that you want to feel. And I promise you that you will leave with a roadmap or a guidebook to your own process
for reconnecting and knowing how you need to feel supported in your quest to feel how you want to feel on regular basis. The other thing that feels really transformative and different about being in RESET is that I am also doing this with you. One of the pieces of feedback that I got, which was just beautiful to me to hear, especially because
Asha (13:50.722)
there is so much out there that makes you feel like you have to be the expert, that you have to know and if you don't know that you're not really as good as you think you are, or that if you don't know all the answers to everything, you'll lose credibility. But when I started teaching full-time, and I've probably always kind of been like this, but when I started teaching full-time at the community college in 2017, I promised myself that I would never tell my students,
that I knew something when I didn't. And I think that this is helpful in law, especially when you're teaching because attorneys cannot promise to know everything for you, but we have learned how to investigate and how to look it up. Our skill set is in figuring it out. And so I would tell my students when they would ask a question when I didn't know the answer, that's a really good question. I don't know the answer, but here's how we're going to look it up together. And that same transparency is what I bring to my containers.
Here's what I've learned. Here's what I'm processing. Here's what I'm going through. Here's how I'm applying it. This is what I can offer to you. Let's see how it resonates with you. Or I'll get questions. What about this? What about that? You know what? I haven't thought about that. Or, you know, I'm not well versed in that area. Let's work it out together. Or sometimes it's just okay to say, I don't know. And what does that do? It does a couple of things. One,
it's transparency and I'm never gonna pretend to tell you that I know all the answers because I don't. And actually I think that that's a beautiful thing that I don't know all the answers because it allows me to stay curious and to continue to build. I don't need to know all the answers. Two, I don't need to know all the answers because what I am doing in this container is I am empowering you and teaching you some skills and strategies and methods.
so that you can find the answers that are right for you. So I don't need to know all of the answers. And I will not tell you that I know all of the answers because the answer for you is going to be different than the answer for me. But just like I teach my law students, my paralegal students, I will tell you a strategy that you can use to figure out the right answer. And that is what's empowering.
Asha (16:14.698)
It's not that you're going to get the script and have to follow it word for word. No, I am going to tell you the strategy. I'm going to help you understand how energy works, how your nervous system works, how you can process your thoughts and emotions so that you can create a framework that is absolutely right for you and aligned with your design. That is way more powerful than any kind of prescriptive method to get from point A.
to point Z. Point B? I don't know, whatever that phrase is. I think you get what I mean. So here's the reflection back to me that I felt was so beautiful. She said, "It's like watching you develop us, but we're also watching you develop you. It's encouraging to meet somebody who's sharing knowledge, but acknowledges that they're not all knowing. It makes me trust you more because you're being real." That's exactly what I want.
I will always be real with you. I will never tell you that I know something that I don't. But the beauty of being in this practice together is that we're in it together and that we can all help each other grow. So when you come into this container, please bring all of yourself with you. Don't just leave your practices, your methods, your thoughts or ideas at the door because you are learning a new skill from me. No, bring it all to the container
so we can all benefit from the collective knowledge that is here.
Asha (17:52.47)
Now I think I'm going to leave this here. think you get the point about RESET and why it's different from other healing containers or coaching containers. I don't even want to call it a coaching container. It is a group container, but I don't know that it's really coaching. is a strategy, if you will, to help you reconnect to yourself, but it is alive.
It is dynamic. It is always changing. I'm always bringing in pieces that I learn that week, that day, or even from a couple of years ago, because that's how it's supposed to be. That's how life is. This is for you, particularly if you are in the middle of a transition or getting ready to make a transition. I want you to know that these feelings of restlessness of
emptiness of discontent do not mean that you are broken. These are the signs of a growth phase and growth is not always comfortable. I remember being a kid and growing tall and they talk about growing pains in your knees and in your joints. That's what this is. You're probably experiencing growing pains and just like any other time when you have had to grow and learn new skills,
having the support around you to remind you that you are not broken, that this is all normal, and here's how we're going to develop some skill to help us get through this period is immensely helpful. So you are not the first to feel the pull towards freedom and to wonder if you deserved it. You're not the first in your family, but you might be the first in your line to choose freedom deliberately.
Your ancestors didn't sacrifice for you to be exhausted. They wanted you to be free. What you will do over the six weeks when you join RESET or in the two day retreat, plus the four weeks of support is an act of lineage healing, but it starts with you and it will touch everybody who comes after you. This is the work. It is amazing and
Asha (20:17.166)
I want to invite you if you feel connected, intrigued or curious about it to check out RESET. For this round, the doors are open now for joining our group online and in person in Lisbon. Both those groups begin June 7th, which is a Sunday, or you can join the two day retreat, July 3rd and 4th
at the studio in Lisbon. This is perfect if you don't live here or if you are out of Lisbon and would like to come in. You will be surrounded by a community of women who are on a similar path as you who are looking for answers, but they want the answers to come from within inside themselves. You will be transformed. You will feel more empowered. You will be more connected. That I can promise you.
What it's going to look like at the end, I do not know, but I know that you will be transformed. If you're interested in learning more, please check out the show notes down below and let me know if you have any questions. All right, ciao ciao.