Ep 49: Your Comfort Zone is a Big Fat Lie!
People call it a comfort zone all the time.
But what if the thing you’re struggling to leave isn’t actually comfortable?
In this episode, Asha unpacks the difference between what is comfortable and what is simply familiar, and why confusing the two can keep you stuck in jobs, relationships, routines, and identities that no longer fit who you are becoming.
Because the truth is, most people are not staying because they feel good;
they’re staying because they know what to expect.
This conversation moves through nervous systems, survival instincts, language, and the stories we tell ourselves about change. Asha shares personal reflections about chronic back pain, leaving a tenured teaching career in the U.S., moving to Portugal, and what it means to stop choosing discomfort simply because it’s predictable.
If you’ve been circling a decision for months, if something in your life feels heavy, restrictive, or misaligned, if you keep calling it a “comfort zone” even though it doesn’t actually feel good, this episode might help you tell the truth about what’s really happening.
And once you tell the truth, the next step becomes easier to see.
Chapters
00:00 - Understanding Comfort vs Familiarity
09:58 - Embracing Change and the Unfamiliar
16:56 - Identifying Your Hesitations
In this episode
Why your brain mistakes familiarity for safety
The nervous system’s relationship to change and uncertainty
How language shapes the choices you believe are available to you
The hidden exhaustion of staying in lives that no longer fit
Why unfamiliar doesn’t mean dangerous
What helped Asha leave a life that looked successful on paper but no longer felt aligned
Questions to sit with after listening
Is this situation actually comfortable or just familiar?
Am I staying because it feels good, or because I know what to expect?
What might become possible if I stopped treating unfamiliarity like danger?
Resources
Join Love Notes, the email for high-achieving Black women who've done everything right and still feel like something's missing: self-trust, nervous system, and coming home to the freedom that's always been yours.
Learn more about RESET.
Ask a question in the RESET WhatsApp group.
RESET: A six-week experience for high-achieving Black women who are ready to stop performing and come home to themselves.
Inside RESET, we explore nervous system regulation, ancestral connection, identity shifts, rest, and the space between the life you built and the life you actually want.
If enrollment is currently closed, future cohorts and retreats will still be announced.
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Asha (00:01.358)
Hey, hey, okay, today I want to talk about something very important that has been coming up this past week. And it's the use of the phrase, I'm in my comfort zone or the use of the phrase comfort zone. What I have been noticing and I think it's an important distinction is that we often say comfort zone when we talk about doing things that
are new, things that we haven't done before. We talk about growth. You've heard it before. And we say, I'm in my comfort zone, or she's in her comfort zone, or that's outside of my comfort zone. But I heard on a podcast a few years ago, maybe during the pandemic, maybe before the pandemic, that there really should be a distinction in our language between comfort and familiarity. And oftentimes when we say that we're in our comfort zone, we're not.
actually talking about something that's comfortable. We're not in a comfort zone. We're actually in the zone of what is familiar. And I want to point this out today because changing your vocabulary, using the correct language as you describe the situation you're in is going to either help move you out of that situation or keep you stuck in that situation. So let me get right into it.
This week at the studio, was having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about comfort zones and familiar zones. We were talking about being able to move countries to come to Portugal. We were talking about going to college or university in a new place. We were talking about starting fresh. I was going to say starting over as adults, but not really starting over because you bring yourself with you, but starting fresh as adults in new places.
And my friend used comfort zone and they said, let me actually stop you right there because what you're talking about now, the resistance that you are feeling now from trying something new, from putting yourself out there is not because you were sitting in your comfort zone. The resistance that you are experiencing now is because what you are working on next is outside of what is familiar to you.
Asha (02:21.268)
And our lizard brains, the ones that have adapted to keep us alive over the last millions of years. Is really, really simple. It says that anything that is unfamiliar is dangerous and anything that is familiar is safe. We know what to do with that. And our brains are trying to reduce the amount of energy that we use to keep ourselves alive. And so anything
that comes our way that is unfamiliar, there is going to be an automatic response that this is unsafe. This is not something that we're supposed to do. And we call that uncomfortable. And anything that is familiar, our brains are like, okay, we know what this is. We don't have to think about it. We don't have to work it out. And so we recognize that this is something we know what to do with. We use less energy to figure it out. So it's better for our
bodies at the base survival level to do the things that are familiar because we don't have to think that much. And we have started calling the things that are familiar comfortable. But let me tell you something. You don't get out of a comfortable chair. Why would you? You don't want to get out of a comfortable bed. Why would you? You don't take off comfortable clothes. Why would you? You stay in things that are comfortable, but you don't complain.
about things that are comfortable because they actually feel good around you. They feel good on your body. They feel good in your spirit and your emotions, all that stuff. But when you are exploring and you're saying, I think I want a new job, but it's out of my comfort zone. I want you to stop and think about whether your current situation is actually comfortable or is it just familiar? And chances are
Your current situation is not comfortable, but it is in fact familiar and it is hard to leave. It is hard to think about making a change not because you're comfortable, but because it's already familiar. You already know what this is. You already know what to expect and that gives you some sort of comfort or reliability not comfort. It gives you some sort of reliability.
Asha (04:42.958)
I guess it seems comfortable in your brain because you know what to expect. It's not a new variable that you have to figure out. But I am going to suggest to you that if you are asking a question about a new job, if you are asking questions about moving to a new country, if you are thinking about changing the dynamics of a relationship or breaking it off altogether, it is not
because you're comfortable. It is actually because you are uncomfortable. And when you recognize that you are already uncomfortable, thinking about making a change should not be nearly as scary because you're not making a change to something that is also uncomfortable. What you're actually doing is thinking about making a change to something that is unfamiliar. But here's the thing. You have done unfamiliar things.
repeatedly in your life. You have done them over and over and over again. The very first time you went to school, it was unfamiliar until it became familiar. The last time you sat in a car, a new car for you, it was unfamiliar, but it became familiar. The last time you met a new friend, at first they were unfamiliar, but then they became familiar. So the great news is, is that you have lots of practice making something that is unfamiliar, familiar.
So just because something is unfamiliar, just because you haven't experienced it yet, just because you don't know exactly what it's going to be, does not mean that you should not do it. It's simply making the unfamiliar familiar. And you are practiced at that, my friend. You already know how to do that. You have a history of making the unfamiliar familiar. So don't let that stand in the way.
of you taking that solo trip, don't let that stand in the way of you exploring a new expression of your skills in terms of career. Don't let that stand in your way in terms of changing your criteria for how you want people to be in relationship to you. But if you continue to use the words, I'm in my comfort zone, you are going to be lying to yourself, telling you that your situation that is actually uncomfortable is
Asha (07:07.672)
comfortable. I'll give you an example from my real life right now. I have back issues. I've had back pain, low back pain since I was in my early 20s. I ended up hurting my back at the gym, then carried all those heavy books from law school and then have suffered low back pain or my back going out periodically over the years. It happened again recently as I got back from vacation and I need to switch.
the mattress that I have. And every time I think about it, my mom reminds me how many pillows and mattresses I've gone through. But the thing is, I can change my pillows and mattresses. I can't really change the back that I have. I could do some exercises and improve it, but I can't change it. Right. So I am looking at mattresses online now, trying to figure out which one which one I should buy, which one will be the best for me. And I haven't done it. I haven't done it because it is an expensive purchase.
And I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to spend a bunch of money and then still experience the same thing. And I'm kind of looking at myself with this bird's eye view. And I am wondering why I'm not taking action more quickly. And then I realized, I am asking myself to change a mattress that is familiar for one that is unfamiliar in hopes that it'll be better than the one that is familiar.
And I could be telling myself, I'm changing the mattress. I'm comfortable where I am. And if I get a new mattress, I might not be comfortable, but it's not true. I'm not actually comfortable in the mattress that I'm sleeping on right now. It's just familiar. So I know to expect some discomfort in the morning. I know that I'm going to have to do some stretches for my back. I know that periodically my back is going to go out, but I am familiar with that routine and how to treat myself.
when that happens, it's familiar. So there isn't this urgency to make a change when I think about, this is familiar. But when I realize that I am uncomfortable, then I want to make more of a change because who wants to go to bed at night and be uncomfortable in the morning? And when I think, this new mattress might also be uncomfortable. I'm already uncomfortable. So how much more uncomfortable
Asha (09:31.852)
Could I be? Is it better to sit here, not doing anything in this discomfort that I know, or is it going to be worth it to take a chance with something that's unfamiliar and give myself the possibility to be more comfortable one day? That's my current physical discomfort familiar zone conversation that I'm having with myself. Now, let's talk about a big life shift.
When I decided to leave the US and to quit my tenured community college teaching position, I was asking myself, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? How am going to make money? How am I going to live? What do I actually want my work to be? Because I don't want to be in the current structure that I'm in. And the current structure that I was in was really familiar. I got paid once a month. I knew how to contribute to my retirement.
I could see what the future looked like. It gave me a sense of security because it was routine. And again, it was familiar. There were no surprises. And people would ask me, what are you going to do? How are you going to do it? I was asking myself too. And people would tell me, you're so brave to leave all of this behind. But I didn't think about it as bravery or courage at all. That wasn't on my mind. That wasn't in my thought process.
What I realized was that what people were calling my comfort zone of teaching and knowing what the routine was, was actually what was familiar, but I wasn't comfortable anymore. I wasn't feeling excited about the growth anymore. I was feeling restricted. I didn't want to answer emails. I didn't want to drive to Sacramento. I didn't want to write reports. I didn't want to be,
communicating with the American Bar Association anymore. I was uncomfortable. Did I know what was going to come? I had no clue what was going to come. I had an idea of what I wanted to do, but I didn't have any certainty of what was going to come. And I could have said, I'm in my comfort zone. I'm going to stay here. But I would have been lying to myself. I was not comfortable. But what I recognized would actually help me leave the job and to explore a new life, which is totally worth it, by the way, for me.
Asha (11:57.036)
was to recognize that this life I was living was familiar and the life that I would be entering into was not familiar because I hadn't experienced it yet. But I knew that I could make it familiar because I've made unfamiliar things familiar many times over. When I first started teaching, that was an unfamiliar responsibility. And then it became familiar. What I did understand, though, what really helped me leave was to understand that if I stayed
I was going to get more of what I already knew. I was going to get more stress from emails, more responsibility, more reports, more discomfort because I was not living in alignment with what I wanted to do at that point in time. And that was going to continue to be uncomfortable. I was certain that if I stayed, it was going to continue to be uncomfortable.
And I decided to make a change because I didn't want to continue that discomfort just because it was familiar. I decided to bet on myself and explore something that was unfamiliar so that I could make myself more comfortable. I hope that makes sense. I hope you're tracking what I'm saying. If you are thinking about making a life change, changing your career, leaving a relationship, leaving the United States,
doing something completely different, exploring a passion, and you are worried because you don't know exactly what it's going to look like. I want you to shift your focus and think about whether or not you are comfortable right now. You're not. I want you to think about how familiar you are with your routine right now. You're very familiar. And then I want you to ask yourself whether the discomfort you are experiencing right now
is worth it because it's familiar or is it worth it to you to explore something unfamiliar so that you can find something more comfortable? And I'm willing to bet you are going to be more open to exploring what is unfamiliar so you can find yourself in a place of comfort than you will be willing to sit in discomfort just because it's familiar. The language, y'all.
Asha (14:19.828)
is really, really important here because your brain really pays attention to the words that you're saying and the things that you're telling yourself. Being in unfamiliar situations is not new to you. And so that becomes easier to embrace because you've done it before. Being in a comfortable situation is really hard to change from. You don't want to get out of a comfortable bed. You don't want to take
off your comfortable sweatpants once you've come home from a long day of work. You don't want to take off those comfortable shoes that make your feet feel like you're walking on clouds when you're walking around this world. So be diligent, be choosy, be specific about the language that you're using so that one, you're talking to your brain in a way that it can make a change and two, you're not actually lying to yourself about what's comfortable.
You're being real with yourself about what's familiar. I know I keep talking about RESET, but this is also what we do in RESET which is a six week program for high achieving black women who have done it all, done everything right and still feel like something is missing. We talk about what is familiar versus what is comfortable. We talk about embracing change so that you can find something that is.
comfortable for you and really meets you where you are. By the time that you hear this enrollment might be closed for the six week programs that are happening online and in person at the studio in Lisbon, but there is still time for you to enroll in the two day RESET retreat in Lisbon that is taking place July 3rd and July 4th in Barrio Alto.
If you are interested in learning more about RESET, learning more about how you can find support to move through the things that are uncomfortable, move past the barriers of things being familiar and unfamiliar so that you can actually build a life that centers your wants, needs and desires. Please look at the show notes below and click on the link to learn more about RESET.
Asha (16:33.58)
I will also leave a link there so that you can message me on WhatsApp and ask me any questions that you have about the offerings. I'm talking about them right now in June, but we will offer them again in either August or September. So keep them on your radar screen and please, please, please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any questions. And let me leave you with this, this last question. When you're thinking about the things
that you were thinking about on a regular basis right now. The things that keep coming up, the things that wake you up in the middle of the night or the things that you're processing before you go to bed at night that are just giving you pause, the things that you might want to change in your life, but you have some hesitation. Maybe it's going back to school. Maybe it's leaving the relationship. Maybe it's moving to a new country. Maybe it's retiring. Maybe it's changing what you do for work.
so that it aligns with your passion and not just what you studied. I want you to identify whether your hesitation is because it's uncomfortable or because it's unfamiliar. And based on the answer that you get, I think the next steps will become more clear to you. You know what to do with things that are unfamiliar. If you're talking about being comfortable, you're not likely to move. So where is it?
that this thing that has you, that is occupying your mind. So where is this thing that is occupying your mind? Where is it? Is it in the unfamiliar zone or is it in your comfort zone? Let me know what you think. And I'd love to hear your answers actually. So, all right, until next week, I'm sure I'll have another podcast episode based on a conversation that I've had with somebody at the studio or in life in general.
And I cannot wait to meet you back here next week and I will talk to you soon.