Ep 45: Here’s Why You've Done Everything Right and Still Feel Empty
You've got the credentials, the career, the life that looks excellent on paper, and still, privately, something feels off. This episode is about why thinking harder won't fix that.
In this episode
Why your patterns aren't stored in your mind; they're stored in your body, your breath, your posture
What nervous system regulation actually means for high achievers (it's not bubble baths)
The difference between understanding why you're stuck and actually being able to move
Ancestral connection as a resource, and why your ancestors wanted you free, not impressive
The "between shells" moment: what it means to be in transition and why it's supposed to feel uncomfortable
Chapters
(03:15])Why thinking and talk therapy aren't enough
(06:45) What nervous system regulation actually means
(10:30) Ancestral healing and what's yours to carry forward
(13:00) The hermit crab and the "between shells" identity shift
(17:00) Three things to start noticing in your body today
(20:15) RESET: formats, dates, and early bird details
Links mentioned
RESET: online, in-person Lisbon, and 2-day retreat formats
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Asha (00:04.738)
Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Because I've Healed. I'm so excited that you are here because this week I'm going to talk to you about a group experience. I don't really want to call it a group program because sometimes that feels so clinical, but this is really about a group experience and this is for the person who feels like they've done everything right. You've got the career, the credentials.
Your life looks excellent on paper and still there's something that feels a little bit off and you're not quite sure what it is, how to name it or how to fix it. You've probably tried therapy, you've definitely tried coaching and you understand yourself because you can explain exactly what's going on but there's something that still hasn't changed yet. You feel like you're still in the same pattern. And this is what we're talking about today and I'm going to tell you why it happens,
and what is actually in the way. So here's the thing. You're a high achieving woman who's built a life that looks really good from the outside, but inside, privately, you are experiencing an exhaustion that nobody else sees. And you probably even feel a little bit guilty about it because you have such a great life, one that you've worked really hard for.
And one that you're proud of also, but something still feels like it's missing. You have some decisions that you want to make. Maybe you feel like you're coming up on a transition and you're not really sure which way to go no matter how much you think about it. And again, the guilt. That part has you also feeling stuck because like I said, you have this perfect life or life that's near perfect.
A life where your family feels proud, a life that you feel proud of because you've worked so hard for it. And that feeling that you should just be grateful for what you have is helping to keep you stuck. But let me tell you this, this isn't a problem about willpower and this isn't a problem about clarity. It's actually that your nervous system doesn't feel safe enough yet to let you move.
Asha (02:26.414)
So let me tell you why thinking your way out of this doesn't work. And especially as a high achieving woman, I know that you are used to using your brain, using logic and thinking. But thinking isn't going to help you through this because...
Asha (02:51.116)
But let me tell you why thinking isn't going to work. You've already tried this before and most healing modalities start with your mind. I even recommend journaling a lot for people and I use journaling a lot, but journaling doesn't always make your body move when you want it to move. You've probably tried talk therapy and you've probably tried the mindset frameworks to reframe what you're thinking. But somehow the patterns
feel like they're still stuck, like they're deeply ingrained. But the reason why is that they're not stored in your mind. They're actually stored in your body, in your tissue, in your breath, in your posture. They're stored in a memory that keeps repeating and has you doing the same thing because it feels safer than actually doing something different. That feeling, that low buzz, that low vibration of
chronic constant activation that you feel, that thing that you've been managing, the stress you've been keeping at bay, the anxiety that you have been medicating, hoping that it will just go away. That is a sign that the thought process isn't working and it's time to get out of your head and to allow things to move in your body. There's a difference between understanding or having insight,
versus embodying. There's a difference between knowing why you're stuck and actually being able to move through these things. And I'll tell you from personal experience, I am really good at diagnosing myself almost to a fault. It's kind of problematic. I have really high self-awareness, but just because I have self-awareness doesn't mean that I'm actually able to move. I remember speaking to my cousin one day and I was telling her,
all about and even my mom too. was telling them about all the experiences that I had as a child with my father that will show up. One of them is that I would get criticized for being really controlling when I was a kid and I only recently learned that I'm not actually that controlling which just blew my mind. But my dad would tell me that I was controlling all the time when I would say that this was something I didn't like or something that I didn't want to do and I have spent
Asha (05:15.56)
so long trying not to be controlling because I didn't want to fit into that label that I was given. And I could tell you for years why I was doing the thing, why I was acting the way that I was. And it was because I didn't want to be controlling, but I didn't get to the body knowledge that actually allowed me to release the fear of being controlling until very recently.
So you can have the brain knowledge, you can have the intellectual awareness, but knowing in your body that it is safe to move is different. Embodying the change, letting it become a part of who you are and how you are is different than understanding where you are in the process. So let me talk to you now about what nervous system regulation actually means, because that is the key to moving from feeling stuck
Feeling like you have it all, also empty at the same time. Nervous system regulation is what is the key to making you move. And I know that's super trendy right now. Regulate your nervous system. And I've seen many times people are like, great, you're telling me to regulate my nervous system, but I don't know how. It's not about taking bubble baths. It's not about just breathing all the time. It's not about downloading the Calm app and you know,
doing yoga, although those things are really helpful. What nervous system regulation actually means is learning how to feel safe in your body. We need to become aware of what safety feels like. And I'm telling you that most high achievers have never actually felt it. And what's happening is that you're chasing that feeling of safety through the achievement consciously or subconsciously.
And there's absolutely no shame in that at all. Chronic over-functioning rewires your system to stay in performance mode because you think somewhere in there that if I just do this right, if I just do all of these tasks, then I will feel safe. I won't have any, I don't want to say attacks, but I won't have any experiences that will threaten my sense of safety. But when it becomes chronic over-functioning,
Asha (07:37.858)
This shows up physically in your body. shows up as inflammation. It shows up as fatigue. It shows up as tension in your shoulders. It shows up as weight gain that your regular exercises won't fix. It shows up as hair loss. It shows up as sleeplessness at night. It shows up in your body. And what I bet has been happening is that you've been trying to manage those symptoms,
instead of recognizing that those symptoms are your body's last resort communication system to tell you that something is out of alignment. And instead of thinking that your body is broken, I want you to understand that your body is doing exactly what it is designed to do. It is protecting you, trying to slow you down from moving so fast.
on this road that is leading you to burnout, sickness and discomfort. So here's the thing, in order to make a change, I believe that ancestral connection is very, important for most high achieving women of color. We are doing this work not just for ourselves, but for everybody else who has come before us. But here's the thing, you don't
have to burn yourself out. Your ancestors didn't want you to be exhausted, they actually wanted you to be free. And even if you don't consider yourself spiritual, and even if you haven't connected with your ancestors, even if you don't know their names, you can still do this work because you know, and I will help you see, that there are things that you have
inherited from your lineage, from your parents or grandparents, your great grandparents that you may not have even named that you are carrying with you. Or maybe you have named them and it's time to let those pieces go because they no longer apply to the life that you are living. Really, ancestral connection is just understanding what is yours to carry forward.
Asha (09:57.774)
and what is not yours so you can put it down. That doesn't just include the hard stuff. That also means joy, love, freedom, adventure. All of those things are a part of your lineage and they are resources that you get to bring forward with you. So I want you to think about using your lineage as a resource, as a wealth of information, not as a connection that
creates extra responsibility for you. Your ancestors' dreams were never that you would be exhausted and impressive. Their dreams were that you would be free in every sense of the word. So choosing yourself, choosing to realign, choosing to create a life where you feel healthy and good in your body and in your mind is not selfish. It's actually the act that your ancestors want for you the most.
Now for the women, for my ladies, for my friends who are in this in-between space, you are in the perfect place to think about joining RESET. You're between jobs, you're between identities, you're between versions of yourself. Sometimes that can feel, oof, just anxiety producing. That can feel so uncomfortable. I was just in this space a couple of years ago when I decided to leave my tenured teaching position in California
to set out to figure out what was for me at this point in my life in this big wide world. And I was so uncomfortable because I knew that I was leaving one identity and looking for another. The best example I can give you is this hermit crab. And I call this space between shells. Hermit crabs are not born with shells. They have to go and find them. Those shells create safety. They create protection. They are housing.
They can eat in those shells. They are protected from the world and from predators. But when they outgrow that shell, they have to leave the shell in order to find the new one. That shell is your identity. That shell is your protection. It is your pattern, your job, your family, where you live. And when you outgrow that place, you have to leave it in order to find what's next. And that is uncomfortable, but...
Asha (12:26.54)
It is normal and it is a part of the process and this is especially uncomfortable if you are the one that is typically the very capable one in your family. The one who is responsible the one that everybody in your family leans on because when you know, it's time for you to change you suddenly feel like you're not as capable. You might not be able to show up for people in the way that you have been and I bet you're getting tired of being the one that everyone comes to and leans on,
even though some part of you is proud of that identity. So even when you know that something has to change, there is some support that you need because knowing that it has to change is exhausting because you don't yet know how it's going to change. So your place in this transition, the fact that you are in transition is normal and it's okay to not have all the answers just
yet. The people that I have worked with in RESET so far are amazing, wonderful people. They're coming out of corporate, they're from different countries, some have families, some have little kids, some have adult kids, and everybody is in this place of transition. But let me tell you, they have all been successful and they all understood intellectually that something was wrong, that something was stuck.
That even though they had created this life that they could be proud of, that there was something that was missing inside of it all. And what shifted when they came to RESET is they stopped trying to think their way through the problem and started working with their body. They realized that the messages, the sleeplessness, the exhaustion, the frustration, the short temper, that those were not problems in and of itself.
But they were the indications that something needed to change at the body level. And over the last six weeks, they were able to develop self-trust and listening so that they could decide what to do based on their body's information instead of trying to manage their symptoms to do what they felt like they should be doing according to society, family, or even what they expected of themselves. Let me tell you this too.
Asha (14:52.308)
You get to be human. You don't have to be superhuman. If you are a woman of color, if you are a high achieving woman, if you're just a woman period, you probably have learned over the years that there isn't room for you to be human. But in this process, we reconnect to being human and you learn that that is absolutely okay. It is expected. It is your superpower and that it is something that you should nurture. You are feeling these feelings because
you are human and that's okay. So here are the things that I want you to start noticing today. Where do you feel discomfort or disconnect or misalignment in your body? What happens when you think about the decisions that you've been avoiding? Where does the exhaustion that you're carrying sit in your body? If you close your eyes and just take a deep breath in,
and then exhale out. What do you feel? Just notice. And then the next step is that I want you to think about what you're managing besides. And the next step is to think about what you are managing versus actually feeling. There's a difference between coping and resolving. Full disclosure. I've been managing a lot of body symptoms, a lot of feelings over the years.
And now I'm at the point where I'm actually feeling them. And I had to actually feel them to be able to flip my life around all the way upside down because I was managing the sleeplessness. I was managing the frustration. I was going to the gym more. I was taking ashwagandha. And at some point I just had to accept that I didn't want to manage the feelings anymore. I wanted to go to the root cause of those symptoms,
and give my body what it actually needed to feel better. And the third thing, the last thing that I want you to start thinking about today is what would it feel like to have relief right now? Not success and not progress, but what would relief feel like? If you could do one thing to alleviate the symptoms, not to manage them,
Asha (17:19.478)
not to put them in a box or in the basement when you deal with them later, that if you could actually do something that would release the feeling, what would it be? This is important. So let me just recap for you. There are patterns that are keeping you as a high achieving woman stuck. They're learned behaviors, they're learned skills, and they aren't
character flaws. So please do not feel any guilt and do not feel bad about them. They are stored in your body and this is where they need to be addressed. And I will tell you that real change happens when your nervous system finally feels safe enough to move, not when you figure out the right plan. And another little secret that I've learned over the years is that clarity comes from action. You cannot think your way into the next step. You're going to have to take a step
and then see how you feel. So you can keep white-knuckling it through another year of managing, or you can do something different to really get to the root of the problem and problem solve so that you feel good. Now, if any part of this episode felt good to you, or if you felt like you recognized yourself in this episode at all, that's the quiet exhale of finally recognizing that someone has named
what you're feeling. And I want you to pay attention to that. That's your body trying to tell you something. I want you to trust it. We have RESET coming up. The doors are opening and we have three different formats that you can choose from. The first is going to be an online six week version of RESET that is going to teach you how to listen to your body,
how to help your nervous system feel safe, how to make decisions based on desire and make a plan or filter so that as you move forward, you know how to return to your center and make decisions that are aligned with you. It starts June 7th and we're meeting in person in Lisbon. I think I just said that backwards. Either way, there are two different sessions. One is online,
Asha (19:46.424)
that you can join from anywhere in the world. And one is in person in Lisbon and both of them start June 7th. There's also a third option that I'm so excited about for you busy women who are too busy or maybe you don't live here in Lisbon and you're wanting to travel and join us for a day. There's going to be a two day RESET retreat where you will get all of the content delivered in 48 hours instead of over six weeks.
And then you will have support via Telegram to actually support you as you're implementing the things that you've learned in the 48 hours. So you get to choose a format that works for you online, in person or 48 hour retreat in Lisbon. And if you join by May 17th, you get to take advantage of the early bird bonus, which is a one-on-one intuitive reading with me
to help you get right into the issue or the experiences or the patterns that are helping you stay stuck in the place that you are in right now. So I invite you to keep showing up, to keep working with yourself, and to pick the format that is right for you. Over the next couple of weeks and in my emails, I'm going to be sharing more about RESET.
I'm going to be explaining more about what's inside and how to know if it's right for you. So if you want more information right now, please click the show notes and you will get the link to the different formats of RESET. And there's a link to my email list so you can join and stay on top of all of the information and content that I will be rolling out for you. So without further ado, I hope that you have a great rest of your week.
Please let me know if you have any questions. You can send me a message on Instagram at @ashawilkersonesq or send me a message on the website. I would love to hear from you. Talk to you soon.