Ep 8: What It Really Means When People Irritate You
In this episode, Asha Wilkerson explores the concept of being irritated by someone and how it can reflect our own insecurities or unhealed wounds. She shares her childhood experiences and lessons about teasing and insecurity. Asha also discusses a specific person in her adult life who irritated her and how she realized that her irritation stemmed from conflicting beliefs about seeking attention. She emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and healing childhood trauma to improve relationships and live a fulfilling life.
Takeaways
When someone irritates us, it can be a reflection of our own insecurities or unhealed wounds.
Teasing and making fun of others often says more about the person doing the teasing than the person being teased.
Recognizing our insecurities and underlying feelings of jealousy or insecurity can help us understand why certain people irritate us.
Healing childhood trauma and resolving conflicting beliefs can lead to improved relationships and a more fulfilling life.
Chapters
(00:00) Introduction: The Irritating Person
(01:00) Childhood Insights
(03:22) Uncomfortable Relationships
(04:08) Reflecting on Middle School Lesson
(04:42) Understanding Irritation
(05:10) Childhood Attention Wounds
(06:06) Conflicting Beliefs
(07:02) Giving Space and Grace
(07:29) Advocating for Needs
(08:28) Opportunity for Self-Reflection
(09:21) Healing Childhood Trauma
(09:47) Path to Freedom
Resources
To learn more about starting your healing journey, head to ashawilkerson.com!
Interested in working with Asha? Click here to get on her calendar for a discovery call.
Follow Asha on Instagram @AshaWilkersonEsq
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Asha Wilkerson (00:03.022)
Now this episode might be a little uncomfortable because I'm about to talk to you about the person who irritates you like nobody's business.
Asha Wilkerson (00:31.31)
Now this episode might be a little uncomfortable because I'm about to talk to you about the person who irritates you like nobody's business. That person who gets under your skin, who you can only spend a few minutes with and who you just kind of wish would go away. I'm here to tell you that if you have a person like that in your life, they are a reflection of an insecurity or something that is unhealed within you. I know you don't want to hear that. I didn't want to hear it either, but the more I thought about it,
the more that it actually rings true. I remember being in middle school, navigating complex relationships that plague newly hormonal preteens who think that they know everything but really know nothing at all. I would come home from school and wonder why certain people felt the need to belittle or bully some of their classmates. I'm pretty sure it was my mom who told me this, but nevertheless, I heard at that age that making fun of somebody says more about the person doing the teasing,
than the person being made fun of. She told me that only insecure people talk about others and that you can discover exactly what people are insecure about if you pay attention to who and how they tease. Whoa, what a powerful insight for a 12 year old. I remember really talking. Wow, what a powerful insight for a 12 year old. I remember really taking this information to heart and lo and behold,
I found it to be true. Of course, I had to test the theory, so I started calling people out. I'd tell people they only teased me about my height because they were upset about being short. And at 6 '1", y 'all, I'm sorry, but everyone who's shorter than me feels short. I also started watching myself, and I noticed when I would talk or when I would want to talk about people, and I began to recognize an underlying feeling of jealousy or insecurity.
that I masked under the teasing or chisme, if you will. And when I would call people out, it would stop them in their tracks. And when I became aware of my own behavior, it definitely made me think twice as well. I got really good at recognizing what was going on below the surface. But of course, some lessons repeat themselves until we finally get them. So let me tell you how this showed up again in my adult life.
Asha Wilkerson (02:53.646)
A few years ago, I met a friend of a friend who was vibrant, loud, and took up lots of energetic space. She was really sweet most of the time and seemed to have a large friendship network and people that really loved and adored her. But there was just something about her that irritated me. I wanted to talk about how rude it was for her to try and be the center of attention all the time or how exhausting it was to watch people cater to her needs. I would show up and I would play nice for a few minutes and then I would just...
want to get away like I just couldn't be there. I wanted... I wasn't the only one who noticed her semi -obnoxious attention -seeking behavior, but I think I was the only one whose face probably visibly visibly changed when I got irritated.
I wasn't the only one who noticed her semi obnoxious attention seeking behavior, but I think I was the only one whose face visibly changed when I got irritated. For the record, my face has no inside voice at all. Now, because this person was a really good friend of one of my friends, I knew that I needed to figure out what was going on with inside of me. We'd be in the same place over and over again, and I refused to let myself be the outlier of the group who just couldn't get along or just didn't want to get along or participate.
I remember my mom's admonition from middle school.
I remembered my mom's admonition from middle school, the things we talk about in other people are the things we don't like about ourselves. Or the things that irritate us about other people are the things we don't like about ourselves. I sat with this for a minute, but still didn't understand why I was so irritated. I thought what she was doing was rude and obnoxious, and I certainly don't consider myself to be rude and obnoxious. So why was I irritated? I mean, it couldn't be a reflection of what was going on inside of me, could it?
Asha Wilkerson (04:42.99)
Then one day during a meditation, I set the intention to understand what it was about this relationship that bothered me. I realized that most of us, I realized that both of us had grown up with issues surrounding our fathers and issues of feeling like we weren't seen I didn't know much about her life as a child, but I knew that there was lots of turmoil and that she had a number of siblings. I didn't grow up with any siblings, but there were lots of instructions to me about how to show up,
what kind of attention was acceptable attention and how to play the respectable black kid in the community. As I sat a little bit longer in meditation, I realized both of us wanted attention as children and didn't get the attention that we needed or wanted. As a child, I learned that it was not okay to ask or to seek attention. And that thought still runs deep in my subconscious today. It shows up in relationships, in marketing for my business and in my family.
I want you to see me, but I don't think it's acceptable for me to ask you to look. I'm not sure what she was told about getting attention as a child, but I'm sure she didn't get it and her way of coping with it was to ask for more attention even into adulthood. The irritation was that I learned not to ask for attention.
Asha Wilkerson (06:06.67)
The irritation was that I learned not to ask for attention because asking was bad, needy, or just uncouth, and I still believed that to be true. And she learned that the only way for her to get the attention she wanted was to ask everybody for it all the time. I'm probably being a little bit dramatic, but that's seriously how it felt to me. My subconscious belief was that she was wrong for asking for attention because we weren't and aren't supposed to do that.
That's what really irritated me about her. She was doing the thing that I had been taught not to do and the thing that I thought was wrong. She was asking and I wasn't comfortable doing it. So I finally realized like that's the problem. It's not her. It's this conflict or conflicting belief inside of me. Once I realized where my irritation was coming from, I could give her and myself lots of space and grace.
The problem again wasn't her or her behavior. She wasn't hurting anybody or causing problems. The problem was her behavior rubbed up against a rule that I had internalized that made me feel insecure, small, and unloved. Now I understood where she was coming from and why she needed to command the attention of everybody in the room. And I gave myself lots of love and compassion.
And I gave myself lots of love and compassion for being irritated by her attention needs because the reality was I was just too afraid to ask for my own needs to be met. I also began to use her as an example to ask for what I want and need. I won't go about it in the same way because that's just not my personality, but I certainly will do a better job of advocating for myself so that I can help heal my slowly resolving childhood attention wound.
Even saying that makes me cringe inside because I still feel like I shouldn't be asking for attention. But as humans, we're relational in nature and we all need love and attention and affection. So here's what I learned again later in life. When I'm irritated by a person or a situation, it's an opportunity to dive in and ask myself how I'm really feeling inside. It's an opportunity to go deep and to see what unresolved wounds or issues are actually coming up.
Asha Wilkerson (08:28.046)
What's the underlying cause of this irritation? And I invite you to do the same. I know that there is someone or many someone's in your life who rubbed you the wrong way, who irritate you and get under your skin. I invite you to take a look at those relationships and to ask yourself, what is it about them or their behavior that's triggering you? What memory is it bringing up from your past that is making you feel some kind of way?
And when you discover what it is, give yourself and the other person to lots of love and compassion, and then work on healing those parts of you, not just so you won't be irritated in the future, but also so that you could see all parts of yourself and give all parts of yourself the love you need and deserve. In my one -on -one coaching container, I often ask my clients what memories are being triggered by different events.
It's not always easy to go back and look at childhood situations and events that may have caused trauma, but it's so necessary and so worth it, especially if you don't want to repeat the same patterns over and over again. If you would like help walking down this path to change yourself and your relationships so that you can live your dream life, I invite you to book a coaching inquiry call with me at ashawilkerson.com/coaching.
This work is not easy, but it's required to find your path to freedom. And as I sign off for today, I want you to remember that it's because I've healed that I've been able to repair old relationships and start new ones from a different perspective. It's because I've healed that I've been able to leave expectations behind that no longer serve me. It's because I've healed that I'm currently living my dream life out loud with no regrets. See you next week.