Ep 15: From Stuck to Thriving: Recognizing When It's Time to Move
In this episode, Asha Wilkerson discusses the importance of recognizing when it's time to make a change in your environment. She highlights three situations that indicate a need for change: toxic relationships and environments, feeling stagnant or lacking opportunities, and feeling culturally or socially misaligned.
Asha emphasizes the impact of toxic environments on one's energy and mental health and the benefits of changing your environment, such as increased motivation, creativity, and expanded perspectives.
She encourages listeners to prioritize their wants and needs, build a supportive network, and consider her coaching program for guidance in making a change.
Takeaways
Recognize when toxic relationships and environments are draining your energy and hindering your growth.
If you feel stagnant or lack opportunities for advancement or personal development, it may be time to make a change.
Feeling culturally or socially misaligned can be a sign that you need to find an environment that aligns with your values and identity.
Changing your environment can increase motivation and creativity, improve mental health, and expand horizons.
Prioritize your wants and needs, and surround yourself with a supportive network.
Consider Asha Wilkerson's coaching program for guidance in making a change and prioritizing yourself.
Chapters
(00:00) Recognizing When It's Time to Make a Change
(03:09) Toxic Relationships and Environments
(09:41) Feeling Stagnant or Lacking Opportunities
(13:02) Cultural and Social Misalignment
(27:16) Prioritizing Your Happiness
(28:02) Introduction and Conclusion
Resources
To learn more about starting your healing journey, head to ashawilkerson.com!
Interested in working with Asha? Click here to get on her calendar for a discovery call.
Follow Asha on Instagram @AshaWilkersonEsq
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Asha Wilkerson (00:02.606)
Hey y 'all, I am so excited to be back here with you on the podcast after I don't know how many weeks of a break, but it was definitely a necessary break. I was feeling a little bit down between the transition of leaving my old life behind in California and getting to my new life in Portugal. And I'm happy to say that I touched down in Portugal six days ago and you can probably hear it in my voice that I am feeling great. And this transition and a couple of sales calls that I have this week,
made me think about the phrases about "happiness comes from within" and "everywhere you go, there you are." The phrases that people say when you express some kind of discomfort or maybe a desire to make a change. And the phrases can be helpful. I remember hearing as a kid, especially when I was bored, my mom would tell me, you know, Asha, you've got to learn to entertain yourself. No one else can make you happy. Happiness comes from within. This is a...
This is something that you have to cultivate and that you have to grow. And there is truth to that, but there is also a time and situation in which changing your environment is the right move. It is true that everywhere you go, there you are, but it is also true that certain environments do not allow you to shine and to grow and to flourish. So I'm going to be talking today about
what these phrases mean and also how do you know when it's time to go? So tune in.
Asha Wilkerson (01:42.574)
All right, welcome back. We are going to be talking first about recognizing when it's time to make a change. And in my opinion, there are really, there may be more than that, but today I'm going to talk about three different situations in which it's time to make a change. One would be toxic relationships and environments, if you find yourself in one of those. Two, when you feel stagnant or like there's a lack of opportunities around you. And three, when you feel culturally
and/or socially misaligned. So first I'm going to be talking about toxic relationships and environments. And these don't have to be toxic like you might think of in terms of an abusive situation or someone telling you you can't do it or these extreme examples. But let's talk about work. How about that job that you have sacrificed your life for? I just had a conversation with somebody the other day
who has always chosen her life based on the job. And in order to bring more parts of herself into the job, she volunteered and did work in other areas. But the reality of it was is that the job was asking so much of her, and it was slowly killing off pieces of her personality, her spark, her shine, and her desire. So you might find yourself in a situation
where your job is maybe paying you good money, but it's not a good fit because you're not allowed to fully express who you are. Or we're in a tough political time right now. We've been in a tough political time for a little while in the United States. And maybe you feel like you have to censor yourself. Like you can't bring your whole self to the table. And so every day when you either log into your computer or you show up at work, there's a piece of yourself that you're hiding. Just be able to sit down and get the work done. Or,
how about jobs that refuse to pay you enough that you can really live and flourish off of? And I know that times are tough, times are tough for employers, they're also tough for employees, but that pressure that you feel to show up and give everything to the job is killing you inside. And while people may not be directly telling you that you're bad or that you can't do it, these kinds of environments can still be
Asha Wilkerson (04:08.046)
toxic. when they are, I propose to you that it might be time to go. Let's also talk about your family or your friends. Now, your family and your friends are probably really well-meaning. I don't know a whole lot of people whose family members actually want to tear them down or or whose friends actually don't want them to see them succeed. But here's the thing when you are growing and when you're following your desires,
not everybody's gonna understand that. So if you are constantly met with resistance from your family or friends when you talk about making a change or doing something a little different or following your passion, that can lead to some toxicity. Maybe it's a family member or a friend always telling you all the things that could go wrong. Like, how do you know? Let's talk about all the things that could also go right. Maybe it's someone telling you...
You better just stay safe. You better not give up that job and those stock options. How could you? Right? Or maybe it's family saying, you know what? We sacrificed, we worked really hard for you to be here. You are the hope of the family. You're first gen. You're the eldest child. You're the only child. Right? All of that pressure that ends up keeping you stuck and has you playing small in a situation that doesn't align. And it doesn't have to be intentional for it to be toxic.
Toxicity just exists where you're not able to be your full self and to grow in the way that you want to grow. So if you hear people telling you, man, you got a good job, how could you give that up? Or just show up anyway. I mean, who cares about happiness? Just show up for the money. Or you'll never find another job as good as this, just hang on. Those situations are toxic.
What I realize is that people either think that you're gainfully employed or you're destitute, that your corporate job is giving you lots of money and you'll be financially secure or you follow your dreams and you're going to be poor. Those are two opposite ends of the spectrum and there are so many stops along the way. There's more than just two outcomes that are possible when you start to make a change and change your environment. When you find yourself,
Asha Wilkerson (06:25.102)
in toxic environments or environments that don't align, they're energy drains. There's a couple things that happen. If you are giving, giving, giving, your energy goes that way. It goes out, especially if you don't have practices to give your energy back to yourself. It's a thing, right? You're taking care of everybody else. You're giving to your job. You're showing up for your family and who's pouring into you? That means energy is going out and it's not coming back in.
There's another way that energy drains too. It's when you feel this conflict, this butting of heads, this butting of ideas, and you have to defend yourself, even if you're not using your words, but you begin to protect yourself from these comments or from these environments, that also drains your energy because you're spending time protecting your mind, protecting your dreams, protecting yourself.
So that's another way that your energy can be drained and that helps to create this toxic environment. There's a client of mine right now who is working on her move abroad and I am so excited for her. But this move started because she was working at a nonprofit organization that demanded the most from her. It was good, noble work. She was super qualified. She was really good at it. But you know, nonprofits have funding issues. They often have a lot of
HR issues because there's this idea that we're working for a nonprofit, so we should be selfless and not expect too much. Eventually she decided that the job wasn't a fit for her because it was just draining her energy. The expectations she was being held to and the pay that she was receiving were not in alignment and they weren't affirming for her. The environment became toxic and she decided to resign from the job to give herself the space to open up.
Now she's been able to dream again. She's been able to really think about what kind of job and career she wants to have, whether or not she wants to be a freelancer or work in the nonprofit space or work in the for-profit space. All of that is now available to her because she got out of that toxic environment. She has changed her outlook on work and is able to think about what she's good at and what makes her happy happy.
Asha Wilkerson (08:46.926)
and she's also moving to another country as well. So all of these things have opened up for her and they would not have if she would have stayed in the same environment. Now, the second step or the second circumstance in which you might realize that it's time to change your environment is if you're feeling stagnant or like there's a lack of opportunities. So if you're in a job or a community
with limited opportunities for advancement or personal development, it might be time to go. And as a matter of fact, I bet you're probably in a position right now where you are feeling the pull to be more creative or feeling the pull to make a change. I know you know what you want to do, but there's a part of you that doesn't believe it's possible or that doesn't think you should. So what you're probably trying to do...
is add some of that creativity, add some of that freedom that you want to your existing situation. But what you really need is to start fresh. What you really need to do is to prioritize what is in alignment for you and then look at the rest of the things that you are doing. Okay? This is really important. When you are misaligned, you will feel it in your body. You will feel it as this...
rumbling in your stomach, a stomach ache, maybe an ulcer, maybe you've got heartburn. I mean, we're probably middle-aged now, right? So heartburn might be a thing. You might feel it in just this exhaustion. Like you don't have energy to do what you need to do. You will feel it in your body. You might be thinking, I hope the phone doesn't ring. That's what I used to think. I'm tired of looking at this email. And instead of trying to make what you want fit into where you are,
I want you to prioritize what you want and then fit everything else around it. There is so much importance in being in an environment that offers growth and learning and experiences in what you want and in what you need. In this kind of a situation where it's just stagnant and there's not a whole lot of opportunities coming your way or maybe you can't even see the opportunities or the opportunities are misaligned,
Asha Wilkerson (11:09.902)
it's not going to do you very much good to just create happiness where you are, to just tell yourself, well, it's not going to be different if I change, everywhere I go, there I am. That's not true. There are situations like this that drain your energy and bring you down. And if you're in a situation where you're feeling stagnant or like you have a lack of opportunities, it's time to think about changing your environment. And the last situation,
is when you feel culturally or socially misaligned. There's a lot of stuff going on in the United States right now. A lot of stuff. And you might be feeling out of place or like you can't find a community that aligns with your values, with your identity or your lifestyle. Maybe you really care about homelessness and treating people as humans, right? But the United States has big issues with that. Maybe you're against the war in Palestine.
Maybe black lives matter for you. Maybe you want universal health insurance. Maybe MAGA has got to go. And when you're in these environments that do not align with your values, with your identity and with your lifestyle, it is a drain on you. And I don't think that there's any amount of, "I'll just create happiness where I am," that's going to change that for you. This is another situation in which you need to find an environment, find cultures
and social scenes that fit where you are and that give you life instead of pulling the energy out of you. Let me tell you, I keep talking about moving to Lisbon again, I'm finally here. and it has been a game changer. I've only been here six days, but it has changed how I have seen opportunities, how I feel in terms of being stuck or being in progress.
And it has changed how I feel about my cultural and social alignment. Before I left for Lisbon, when I would be talking about, I really want to move, the politics in America, the work-life misbalance in America, the desire to be in a place that's safer, the desire to, you know, just to walk outside and feel good energy and to be in a different space wasn't always understood by my friends or my family.
Asha Wilkerson (13:32.014)
Especially not the baby boomer generation, my parents' generation, right? Because their goals were to get a good government job, work that job for 30 years, and then to retire with good retirement. They also got so much information and propaganda about how great America is. And if you have immigrant parents that moved from one place to America for more opportunity, that's a thing too.
But it doesn't mean that this place aligns with you and who you are. When I got to Lisbon and started hanging out with some of my friends that had moved over here and other Americans that I happened to have met that had moved over here, even though we all have different experiences, we had so much in common because we were aligned to be in this space. From that, even just in a few short days, I have been exploring more
opportunities to do Reiki healing, to do breathwork sessions, to meet with new people, to share more about what I do, to talk about coaching. Whereas those things felt really, really hard for me before because it just, the environment just didn't feel right. And it was, it's been great for a lot of my friends, but for me personally, there was this misalignment. And so changing my environment, moving out of California, out of Oregon,
and out of Florida. Those were three places that I have been in the last six months for an extended period of time. And into Lisbon has opened up the door for me. It has changed the energy because Lisbon is a place that just seems to align, at least in these first six days, right? I'll check back in with you in six weeks, six months, and in another six years. But it has allowed me to breathe again and has allowed me to dream again. And I...
You guys know me. I am big on mindset. I am big on healing. I'm big on digging deep. I'm big on taking accountability. I did not realize how stifled I felt or how unimaginative, uncreative I felt until I changed the environment. And it doesn't mean that people were bad. It doesn't mean that the things that I was doing weren't good things. It just means that I needed a change.
Asha Wilkerson (15:51.822)
I needed an energetic shift to get into this version of me that is about to just take off. I don't even know exactly where I'm going, but I'm excited for it. I'm here for it. The energy is great and I want the same for you. So let me talk to you about some of the benefits of changing your environment. Okay. I want you to really think, is it a me thing? Could I tough it out? Should I tough it out?
Or do I need to change my environment so I can change the energy that's around me and get some of these things that I want? When you change your environment, you will feel an increased sense of motivation and creativity. When you move to a new place or a new job or a new social scene, whatever it is, you're seeing new things. You have different stimuli. You're not used to just seeing the old stuff, which means that you will have a new vibrant spark.
And you'll get new ideas and you'll be exposed to new passions and new ways to be creative. There have been studies that have shown that when you are in new environments, it will boost your neuroplasticity and your creativity because again, you just have new stimuli. And it doesn't matter how long you stay, it's just being exposed to something different. It's like, there's an example of, you know, if you're thinking about buying a red car,
and you haven't seen, you know, you don't know, there's not very many red cars around. So it's probably a good color, right? Then you buy your red car and then you start to see red cars everywhere. It's because now you have a new stimuli in your environment and your brain can focus on it. Same thing happens when you move to a new place and you're looking for opportunities, you're open. You will start to see them all over the place. But the problem is when you're stuck in the same situation, you often don't see the opportunities because your, your gaze isn't fixed there.
I also think and know that your mental health will improve. You have, again, different stimuli. You have access to different types of nature. If your environment is changing, your physical environment is changing. I'm not telling you that you have to move abroad or anything like that, even though I think it's great, but I'll tell you what has happened to me. My stress levels have gone way down. I feel really comfortable walking around at night.
Asha Wilkerson (18:14.51)
I am excited to just step outside and see what's there. And I wake up excited to explore. In Oakland, I knew what was going on. In Oregon, it's pretty, but I knew what was going on, right? I just needed a new and supportive, peaceful environment that would just change the way I felt in my body, reduce my stress, and improve my overall well -being. And the last thing is that it will expand your horizons and perspectives.
When you move to a new place, when you move in that new place could be a city, it could be a job, it could be a social circle. You will be exposed to more diversity, right? Different cultures, different viewpoints, different skillsets, different perspectives and ways of doing things. And it will change how you view the world, how you view your present situation, and it will help you on your journey to personal growth.
You have to step out of your comfort zone to experience this kind of transition. And if you're thinking that you can stay the same in the same environment that has been draining you, I'm here to tell you that's not going to happen. And now I've talked about this before, but let me just give you this little piece on comfort zones again. If you're listening to this podcast, if you're thinking about making a change, if you're asking a question about, is this right for me? You're already uncomfortable.
You wouldn't be asking a question, seeking more information or looking around you if you were comfortable. So leaving your comfort zone is not a thing right now because you're already uncomfortable. What you're doing is leaving your familiar zone. You're familiar with the discomfort you're in right now. When you think about making a change for a new job, a new environment, a new way of being, leading with your passions, leading with your heart instead of the logical brain that you have. It's unfamiliar.
But the job you have now was unfamiliar until it became familiar. The place you live in right now was unfamiliar until it became familiar. The friends you have now were at one point unfamiliar until they became familiar. You have practiced over and over again, making something unfamiliar, familiar to you. So do not get caught up on the phrase, it's outside my comfort zone.
Asha Wilkerson (20:40.302)
You're not in your comfort zone. What you're in is a familiar zone and you have the ability and the capability to make new things just as familiar as the old things are. So how do you figure out whether or not it's time to make a move? I want you to take inventory of your current environment. I want you to ask yourself how you feel. Where do you feel it? Is it in your body?
Are you able to name what you're feeling? Is it sadness? Is it frustration? Is it, a sense of stagnation? Is it like hopelessness? Is it boredom? And then ask yourself why you were still here in this situation. Is it for you or is it for somebody else? Once my career became unaligned with or misaligned with what I wanted to do and how I wanted to express myself,
I realized that I was no longer there for me. At some point I was, I was there for me, went to law school for me, became an attorney for me, became a full-time college professor for me. When I realized that those things were no longer for me, I had to ask myself, why am I here? Part of it was social status. Like I'm a black woman with an attorney's license. There's...
Less than 10 ,000 of us, probably less than 5,000 of us in the United States. Not that many. I'm college educated and that's important for my family. I'm my grandfather, y 'all. I'm the first attorney in my family. and you can probably relate to that if you're listening to this podcast, but my great-grandfather used to be a justice of the peace in Mississippi. What's a justice of the peace? Black people could not be
judges because of the segregated South. So in the community, my grandfather was a justice of the peace and had to decide cases under the shade of a tree because he could not legally enter the courthouse to decide cases. So the fact that I am an attorney three generations later or four generations later that could have gone on to be a judge is incredible. And it's like rectifying history.
Asha Wilkerson (23:01.294)
And somewhere deep inside me, I also carry that sort of unspoken pressure of I am moving the family forward. I'm making everybody proud. My ancestors, recent and past, fought for the opportunity that I have today. They're so proud looking at me with this JD on my wall and signing Esquire behind my name. But at some point, it wasn't for me. It was for all of them. And I had to decide, am I going to continue to do it for everybody else? Or am I going to make a change for me?
Ask yourself how you feel and what kind of situation might make you feel better. And when you ask yourself those questions, especially what kind of situation might make me feel better, I don't want you to put any parameters. Don't say, I would, I would paint all day long, but I'd never make a living. Don't say that. Just say I would paint all day long. Whatever it is that you want to do, write that down, speak it aloud and worry about the how
later. The second thing that you need to do as you prepare to make a change is to build a supportive network. You have to find people who can think like you and who can help support you in your change of environment. This is why I have created my 90 day coaching program. It is for people just like you who have done the things.
You're a person of color. You are a professional. You're one of the only in your field. You've become proficient. You're the first child. You're the only child. You're taking care of everybody else around you. You're living up to all these expectations. You've done all the things and now you're feeling like what has happened? How can I be unhappy? How can I be uncomfortable when I've done all the right things? Is this the dream? It's something that
is inside of you that feels unfulfilled and has a curiosity about doing something different. I created my one-on-one coaching program just for you. It is called You First, 90 Days of Prioritizing You. If you let your family and friends' opinions of you be your life compass, if you look around and see that your life isn't intentional, but it just kind of happened,
Asha Wilkerson (25:28.718)
or if you make decisions based on what other people want for you, not on what you want for yourself, this coaching program is for you. I will help you change your environment because the problem is not you. The problem is not just be a little bit more grateful, express some more gratitude. The problem is not happiness comes from within. The problem is the environment that you're sitting in that does not allow you to thrive
and become all of who you are. When we work together, after 90 days, you will know exactly what YOUR wants, needs, and desires are. You'll be able to communicate those wants, needs, and desires to your loved ones and peers without hesitation. And you're going to leave people pleasing behind for good and start making decisions based on what you want and what's best for you. Every day, you create the life you live.
Every single day you make decisions. The result of those, those decisions is how you're living right now. Here's your invitation to find your freedom by serving yourself before anyone else. You will, or will you create a life that aligns with your wants? Will you create a life that aligns with your wants, needs and desires, or will you keep sacrificing your own happiness for the needs of everyone else?
You are ready to change your environment and I want to help you head to ashawilkerson.com/coaching to book your coaching sales call so we can talk about how we're going to get you out of your stuck environment and into a place, a state of mind, a job, a new location that aligns for you. You're going to prioritize yourself and start living the life that you want. So remember:
It is time to make a change if your relationships and your environments are toxic, if you're feeling stagnant or like you have a lack of opportunities, or if you feel culturally or socially misaligned. I can help you. It's time to live for you.